


The Talk

by Embarassedbutkinky



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Dad Piccolo (Dragon Ball), Embarrassment, Family, Family Bonding, Fluff, Funny, Gen, Puberty, Sex Talk, Teenagers, The Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-28 18:45:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18212162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Embarassedbutkinky/pseuds/Embarassedbutkinky
Summary: Goku has been dead a few years, so no one has been able to tell Gohan about the birds and the bees. Gohan turns to his only other father figure, his old friend Piccolo. Piccolo panics, he knows almost nothing about human reproduction, so he does as much research as he can to give his unofficial son 'THE TALK'. To be clear this is NOT Gohan/Piccolo, just an awkward green dad trying to pick up Goku's slack. Based on a scene mentioned in Pillow Talk. One shot.





	The Talk

Piccolo floated a few feet from the stone floor of the lookout, meditating silently as the cool breeze slid over him. Sometimes Dende would join him, but he was on his own today, and he tended to prefer it that way. He'd been out here for hours already, and he had no plans on stopping anytime soon.

He felt Gohan's energy signature long before the boy arrived. He smiled slightly in greeting when it was close enough, never breaking his concentration. Gohan was used to this and joined him in meditation wordlessly, an old message system between them.  _ I want to talk to you, but I'm not in a hurry. _

It was hard to believe how significantly their relationship had shifted since he met the boy. It have been eleven years, and he liked to believe both of them had changed for the better. They visited each other occasionally, usually just to catch up briefly for the sake of company.

Finally Piccolo let his body touch the ground below them and he stretched out his muscles, clearing his throat to alert his friend. Gohan's eyes popped open, but the smile he returned was weak. “Hey, Piccolo,” he said nervously as he lowered himself to sit on the ground.

Piccolo's smile faded. “Is something wrong?”

“Uh,” Gohan started, “not really. I mean nobody's hurt or anything. I just… was hoping I could talk to you?”

“Of course,” he said, a bit slowly. Gohan had never asked permission to speak with him before.

Gohan was steadily turning a deep shade of red. “I… don't really want to talk to Mom. If Dad was still around I would… but he's not, so--”

“What's going on, Gohan? Are you in some kind of trouble you don't want your mother to know about?”

“No!” He said quickly. “Nothing like that. Uh, you know what, just… never mind. It wasn't important. Do you want to spar before I go home for dinner?”

“Gohan, out with it.”

The teen cleared his throat. “I was hoping you could tell me… about sex.”

Some vital function of Piccolo's brain malfunctioned, and he said nothing.

Gohan rushed on, explaining himself. “It's just that I'm fifteen, and I've heard most boys hear about that kind of stuff from their dads. I'm thinking about going to regular school here in a few years and I don't want to be the only one there who doesn't know anything, you know?”

“I understand,” Piccolo half-lied. Of course he didn't understand  _ entirely _ , but he knew what it felt like to feel ostracized as a child, and he didn't want Gohan to go through that. “What do you already know?”

Gohan gulped. “Well, we don't have a television or internet, and Mom doesn't talk about that kind of stuff, so… nothing? I know what it's called and that it makes babies.”

Piccolo took a deep breath. “Okay. So there's some gaps in your knowledge, then.”

“Uh, yeah.”

Piccolo glanced at the setting sun like it was his savior. “Um, it is getting late.”

“It is?”

“Yes, we meditated too long.”

“Piccolo, if you don't feel comfortable--”

“No! That's not it, it's not a problem at all. Why don't you come back here about 3pm tomorrow and we'll start from the top?”

“Okay,” the teen shrugged, seemingly relieved as he hopped up. “See you tomorrow, then.”

Piccolo waved him away genially. He waited a long moment before he started to panic. “Mr.Popo!”

\---------------------

 

Piccolo, Mr.Popo, and Dende sat around a large table covered in  _ very _ graphically detailed books about human reproduction.

“I really don’t understand,” Mr.Popo said, scratching the back of his head. “Why not just  _ give _ Gohan all of these books? He's a smart boy, surely he can read them.”

“His mother would find them, and he'd be horrified,” Piccolo muttered, cringing as he turned another page. “Besides, the way I understand it humans consider this discussion to be a rite of passage he has not experienced.”

“What's a clitoris?” Dende asked, holding a book sideways.

“Give me that!” Piccolo snapped, grabbing it from him. “You're the same age as Gohan, you shouldn't even be looking at these.”

“I'm the Guardian of Earth, shouldn't I know how Earthlings are made? Didn't Kami? I mean we can see everything.”

“I was a respectful guardian who gave humans their privacy.”

“So you have no clue how any of this works?”

Piccolo sighed. “I believe I am starting to understand. Humans are mildly disgusting. Mr.Popo, wasn't Goku about his age when he came to the lookout? Why didn't he ask these kind of questions?”

Mr.Popo shifted nervously. “Well, he did.”

“What? I don't remember that.”

“Well he didn't use Gohan's exact wording, but he was concerned when things started… changing. Remember how fast that growth spurt hit him? He asked me if he was sick and if it would affect his training; that's all he cared about. I told him it was normal for human boys his age to change, and that he shouldn't worry about it. Of course we didn't know at the time  that he  _ wasn't _ human.”

Piccolo's eyes went wide. “I -- I didn't even think about that! Gohan's not even entirely human. What if all this information is useless?”

Mr.Popo shrugged. “It's a shame we can't contact Goku. He could warn us what might be different for Gohan.”

Piccolo took a deep breath. “We don't need Goku. There is one more reliable source on teenage Saiyan biology.”

Dende's eyes went wide. “You don't mean--”

Piccolo nodded once. “For Gohan. I will do it, for Gohan.”

\-----------------------------

 

It was early morning when Piccolo arrived at Capsule Corp. He knocked curtly in the door, and Bulma answered it quickly, clearly on her way to work. Vegeta stood not far behind her in training gear with a towel around his neck; he was about to head to the Gravity Room.

“Piccolo?” Bulma asked in a surprised but pleasant voice. “You're here? At my house? Why does that seem so odd to me?” She laughed.

“Should I… not be?” He asked.

“Of course you can be here!” She said quickly, pulling him inside. “You've just never visited me before. Oh, I wish I didn't have to get to work, we could talk a while--”

“I need to speak to Vegeta,” he said plainly.

Her eyes widened. “Why?” The heiress and her husband said at the same time.

“Is there someone new to fight?” Vegeta asked, smirking. “I'd love a new challenge.”

“Uh, no… I just need to speak with you. It is important.”

Bulma huffed. “Well, I know where I'm not wanted. I'm going to work, Vegeta.”

He nodded curtly as she stormed out. The door slammed shut and the two men were left staring at each other.

“What?” Vegeta asked flatly.

Piccolo cleared his throat, having second thoughts immediately. “Look, uh, Gohan is getting older.”

“Beings bound by time tend to do that.”

Piccolo closed his eyes, trying to figure out how he got himself into this position. “He came to me yesterday and asked me to educate him on… things he doesn't wish to talk to his mother about.”

Vegeta's face went on a journey from confusion, to realization, back to confusion. “And why are you telling me that? I'm not interested in Kakarot's son's sex life.”

“I need your help. Gohan is half Saiyan. Is there a difference between human and Saiyan adolescence he should look out for?”

“I have no idea.”

Piccolo balked. “What do you mean? You're a full blooded Saiyan, shouldn't you know?”

“Yes, I know about Saiyan puberty. I do not know about human puberty. How should I know if they are different?”

“Dammit. Is there anything that… stuck out to you?”

“Anything that stuck out in adolescence? Usually my dick, but I assume that's similar for human males.”

“I want to die.”

Vegeta snorted. “Hunger. When I was about sixteen I was constantly,  _ ravenously _ hungry. I can eat my way through several beasts now, but that year I could have devoured a zoo in a sitting if I'd had one available.”

“That's helpful,” he nodded, turning to leave.

“I can't see how Kakarot did not see this coming. He should have prepared the boy long ago, they were in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber for nine months. They had time to talk.”

“Have you spoken to Trunks?”

Horror slid over Vegeta's face. “Trunks is not… he will not need assistance with this.”

“Not yet, Vegeta. Take my advice and do some research on human biology now. The questions are coming, and I doubt he'll ask them of Bulma.”

Piccolo left the now panicking Saiyan, armed with at least a bit more knowledge than when he started.

\----------------

  
  


Gohan touched down on the Lookout just before three that afternoon. Piccolo was waiting for him, leaning against a pillar with an intense game-face on.

The teen smiled at his friend. “Hey, Piccolo, how are you--”

“Follow me,” Piccolo said firmly, sweeping his cape around and stalking into the building.

“Uh, okay,” Gohan said, following after him.

Piccolo came to a small chamber with a table already prepared with two chairs and a stack of books. “Okay, sit down.”

Gohan did, nervously.

Piccolo grabbed a book and opened it to a marked page. “Alright, this is a vagina.”

Gohan flinched away. “ _ What the hell _ ?”

“I want to get through this as fast as possible!” Piccolo snapped. “Just pay attention. Females have this. Apparently, they have eggs like a Namekian, but they're essentially useless unless they're activated or something. That's where the male comes in because it takes two human beings to make a new one, which is horribly inefficient. The male has an appendage that gets firm and stiff--”

“I know that part, Piccolo--”

“--and he puts that appendage inside of the vagina.”

Gohan raised a quizzical eyebrow. “Oh. Why? Wouldn't that hurt?”

“Apparently not, as it turns out. It's pleasant, or at least that's what  _ that _ books says,” he said, pointing accusingly at a book he'd thrown across the room. “Don't read that one. I should have known better than to ask Master Roshi for educational materials. The library was more helpful.”

“Wow, you've put a lot of work into this--”

“Just let me get through this! It's pleasant, and after it's been pleasant for a while it becomes  _ very _ pleasant, and genetic material passes from the male to the female, activating the otherwise useless eggs. The female then grows the egg for several months, this book said nine months but that seems  _ way _ too long. It somehow becomes a human being, but a small, pathetic one. It can't even hold up its own head. Then the baby human grows, and you know the rest. The end.”

“Oh. Okay. Thank you,” Gohan shifted uncomfortably, moving to stand.

“Not yet, Gohan, there's more.”

“There is? But that's how it's done, right?”

“Yes, but we might as well cover the next few years. I don't want to ever have to bring this topic up again.”

Gohan nodded, blushing.

“Goku hit puberty slightly after your age, and it hit him like a truck. He shot up several feet and looked like an adult in a matter of months. Since you're half Saiyan that is likely to happen to you as well. Other…  _ strange _ things may happen to you, just be aware that it is normal for boys to be confused about their… functions,” he shivered. “No offense, but humans are disgusting.”

“Agreed.”

“You may get very hungry as well, at least that's what Vegeta said.”

“You talked to  _ Vegeta _ ?”

“I'm not done. The continuation of your species seems to rely on males being attracted to females at a young age… or, not. I mean, it'd be okay if you were… not. That's not a terrible thing and you shouldn't be afraid to--”

“I don't think I'm gay, Piccolo.”

“Good, I didn't study for that. Anyway, girls may be more interesting in the coming years. If you do intend to endure this odd ritual, use these,” he said, dropping a box unceremoniously onto the table.

Gohan picked them up. “What's a condom?”

“The way I understand it, it's like a hazmat suit. You roll it on and do not catch diseases with human females.”

“They have diseases? Like what, colds and flus?”

“I had one day to study this Gohan, I have no idea. Not all of them are sick, I know that much. Even if you think the girl isn't sick, this also prevents the creation of a another human by stopping the genetic material.”

“But why would we do it if we didn't want to make another human?”

“I can't answer that. I think you just figure it out. And for the love of the gods, if your mother finds those you  _ didn't get them from me _ . Humans seem to warn their young away from doing it before they get married, and she might think you're already doing it if she sees them.”

“Is it smart to wait?”

“I assume so. The humans would know more about it than I would. I'd say at least give it a few years. If you do wait, those things need to be replaced, though, they appear to expire.”

Gohan tucked the box away. “Okay. I understand. I'm not really interested in dating yet anyway.”

“Excellent. Are we done, here? I think we're done here.”

Gohan nodded.

“Good. Goodbye,” he said, quickly heading toward the door. It'd be a few days before he could look at his friend without turning red.

“Uh, Piccolo?” Gohan asked, stopping him.

“What?” Piccolo winced. “If you're about to ask about the finer points I really didn't understand most of them. Mouths are for  _ eating _ for crying out loud--”

“No! Just, thanks.”

Piccolo nodded. “You're a good kid. You'll be fine. I can't say I envy you, though.”

“Have you ever thought about having kids? It sounds a lot easier for Namekians.”

Piccolo snorted, smirking. “Are you insane? I'd be an awful father.”

  
  
  



End file.
